I am pissed at my self

that I even put myself in that kind of situation. Honestly though, I haven't had that much to drink in a while, and I didn't think that little amount of alcohol would have that kind of effect on me. But I am pissed at him too. How can you call yourself a soldier, yet you hit on another soldier's wife? While you know he is in Iraq? What the hell is wrong with you? And do I really LOOK like an idiot?! I knew exactly what you wanted to do with those "15 minutes," and that is why I took off. I'm not a complete jackass, and just because my husband is deployed, does not mean I am willing to have sex with whoever approaches me! You have really upset me because I like being naive and thinking that all soldiers were good guys. Now you have burst that bubble for me. God I am so pissed at myself

Awwwwwwwww!!!

I have been trying to book a condo for a week vacation for when Bradley gets home. I finally found one that will work, and I have been communicating with the owner via email. Her husband has talked to me twice on the phone. I received an email from her today and the very end of the email said this...."You sound so young and in love with your lucky young husband that it makes me smile and remember old memories. I'm going to do everything possible to try to make sure y'all have a wonderful time together."
Is that not the sweetest thing in the world!! It brought tears to my eyes!! What a beautiful person!

Beautiful!

What a gorgeous day! It is beautiful outside, sunny with a little breeze. I just made a few egg whites for breakfast with a whole wheat wrap. I am about to take Lucky for a walk in a litte bit. yesterday when nwe were walking, I could have kept going for hours. I could have just walked forever, or so it seemed. The thing that sucks about living here is that people let their dogs run loose. I am always scared that they will attack Lucky. They have come close, but I have managed to scare them off.

Anway. I am so incredibly proud of myself. Last night...are you ready for this.....? I SLEPT WITH MY BEDROOM DOOR OPEN!!! That's right!! Lucky decided he wanted to sleep in the doorway and I figured, well, if he sleeps in the doorway, he can hear if someone is trying to break in better than if he is shut in my bedroom with the fan and humidifier going. This is a HUGE deal for me! I have been sleeping with my bedroom door shut and locked since Bradley left! I am so proud of myself that I am going to try to be really good today! No binging, no purging, I am really going to try my best!!!!!!!

Screwed up today

Met a friend for an egg and cheese biscuit (total calories = 3000?) Fought off eating anything else until around 5. Got these whole wheat wraps at the grocery store along with egg whites and turkey. Made 3 egg whites with one slice of cheese and out it in the wrap. Had that around 5. Not too happy about that. And then I started binging. Had a handful of peanuts, 2 starbursts, 6 saltines, an orange, a pear, and a piece of fudge the size of a quarter (total calories for that little piece =5000 calories?) I am so disappointed in myself. I don't even want to add up my calories for the day. If I hadn't had that biscuit this morning I wouldn't be feeling SO shitty, but that really put me over the edge. DAMMIT.
Took Lucky for a nice walk/jog when I got home today from classes. It felt really good to be outside, I look forward to our walks. It was warm today, about 70. Now I am freezing, it got really cold outside.
So what I am trying to figure out is this........the sugar in fruit, is that the same sugar that is in candy? Is it just as bad for you? In a way, I am happy because I feel like this little not eating, eating & getting rid trip I have been on the past few days, just might pass. But at the same time, I feel like I am letting myself down. People think it is so easy to lose weight. Not when you have PCOS. It was easy as hell to gain it, but I have fucking tried everything to lose it. I have a feeling when I see my endo doctor at the end of the month, he is going to up the Metformin. My sugar levels still feel out of whack. He would have a conniption is he knew what I was doing, but I CAN'T help it. He has me on this high protein, low carb diet for the PCOS, but when you grow up ITALIAN how the fuck are you supposed to not eat carbs? I just want to be healthy, have a healthy life like I did before this DAMN PCOS. It's not fair and I am going to whine about it because I HATE it.
I miss Bradley. I talked to him today and it was just good to hear his voice. He can be a real shithead sometimes, but at least he has always complimented my body. He really does. Not that I believe a word of it, but sometimes I think he may just mean it. And I will stop there before I get on my whole self doubting I am a cow trip. He loves me for me, and he thinks I am beautiful, I guess that should be enough for me, right?

It's been 7 months

since the guys left for Iraq. Feels like forever.
I feel like shit, can't fight this awful feeling in my stomach. Somehow in my twisted mind I think this will help me lose weight. Logically, I know this isn't true, but I can't make my body do things it doesn't want to do. Ever since the surgery nothing has tasted right anyway. Yuck. It is 2am, I gotta get up in 5 hours for class. I will never make it, but I have to. I didn't go on Tuesday either. I hate this feeling.....................................
I miss you baby, and I hope you never, ever see this journal, but I miss you and I wish you were here. I love you.

Why is this happening?

After all these years of being ok, it's going to come back now? When I am down and alone, it is rearing its ugly head again, and I am having trouble fighting it. It has been over 4 years since it has been a problem. Of course there have been single occurances here and there where it just happens. But this is going on day three now, and that is just not normal. Yesterday I actually added up my food intake and it came to 800 calories. That was coffee with creamer in the am, a salad with tons of veggies, and an orange. Can you believe that equals 800 calories? Craziness, absolute craziness. So then I tried to go to sleep and started getting really bad reflux so I ate a slice of frozen pizza. And I hated myself for it. That probably doubled my calorie intake for the day, and ruined everything, but I don't even know why I am doing this again to start with. I am not a teenager anymore, I am a woman, with control over my life. Or maybe I don't feel in control of my life, and that is why this is happening again?
Tornado warnings and watches are out again. I hate the weather here, I really do. Just one more thing I hate about Alabama. Will I ever get out of here? The sad answer is probably not if I stay with Bradley. He loves this state so much because he knows NOTHING else. He has no idea what is out there in the world and has no desire of leaving this God forsaken state of hell.
Blech, I feel like throwing up everything in my empty stomach, I hate this feeling. God dammit for letting this shit happen again. I don't need this in my life right now. I CAN get past this, I have done it before. No one to listed at the bathroom door anymore, I am on my own now, so I HAVE to take matters into my own hands. I have to get past it once again, and I cannot allow it to become an issue like it used to be.

I'd like to watch you sleep at night

to feel you breathe, by my side. And although sleep leaves me behind, there's nowhere I'd rather be...............

Will I ever be able to

talk about it? Why is it easy for me to write about, but I can't freaking talk about it? I just wanna know why this is. I realized that it has been 9 years. Nine years since it happened, and I still think about it. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be 100% ok? It is still hard to even write, "I was raped," but it's even more difficult to say. I want to know why this is. I know there is a feeling of shame, but WHY? Why should I feel ashamed about it? I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that, so why should I feel ashamed?
I used to see him and shake, I used to be scared of that piece of shit. If I were to see him now, I think I might punch him. I think if I were drunk enough, and I saw him at a bar, I just might call him out in front of everyone. Why? Because in so many ways, he ruined my life, and I would love to do something to ruin his. To let him know I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! Why did I ever let him see that I was scared of him? What would have happened if I turned him into the police? Nothing. I know for a fact nothing would have come out of it except more HELL for me. Who knows, he actually might have followed through with his threat and killed me. I might nit even be here today. I am stting here watching Lucky chew on his little shirt, and I am reminded that everything happens for a reason. If I had told the police on Eric, and he had indeed killed me, I would not be here to witness such beautiful innocence as my baby boy playing.
twisting and turning you're feeling the burning you're breaking the girl
think you're so clever but now you must sever you're breaking the girl
I miss you Dillon Bott. I miss you more than you will ever know. I think about you often, and I wish you were still around. Maybe if you were still alive I could have more closure with this bullshit. You were there, you KNOW what happened the only person who really knows besides me and the scumbag. Why did you have to do it Dillon? Why did you have to die? You know it was selfish to go, don't you? I wish I could have saved you, like you saved me. you saved my life Dillon, in more ways than one, and now you're gone. I wasn't given the opportunity to save your life like you saved mine. I didn't know life had gotten to be more than you could handle, and I miss you so much. I wonder if you ever save him again, after I moved. I am sure you did. I wonder what you thought, I wonder if you ever said anything else to him. I wish I had the chance to ask you, but I guess I never will now. I love you Dillon. I loved you then, I love you now, I will always love you. You stood up for me, you saved me like no one else did, and I will never be able to thank you for that........I really hope you are up there looking down on me, and you are proud of me. I hope I make you proud.....

Just Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season" Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize, Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss "Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist, "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year." Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe.

Sometimes I really miss home

especially when people post pictures of others that I haven't seen in ages. God I haven't been to O town in forever. Sometimes when I look at pictures, it doesn't even look like home anymore. But I love seeing the pictures of everyone I once knew. Especially the ones of ex-boyfriends, Lol. I saw one of Josh, my God he looks EXACTLY the same. He was with his "wife," God it is weird to say that. She looked pissed, she was hanging onto his arm and I could imagine she was thinking she wanted to leave. Especially since there were girls there that he used to know. I bet she was pissed, hahahahahaha. There are so many people I would love to see again, but know that i never will. It makes me really sad, but I guess that is life. I would like to go back for a visit, but there are quite a few people I would never want to see again also. I can't help but miss that place, it's where I grew up. It's been almost 6 years since I have been home, that is a long ass time. And it is the only place I can really even call home. I can't call PA home, I only lived there for 3 years, even though we had the summer house there forever, we never went there that much. It's funny to think that my parents had two houses at one point, and now finances are so bad, they can't even afford the one they are in. But I can't think about that, it makes me even more depressed. I didn't go to classes today. I lied to everyone and told them I went, but I didn't. I slept. I got up on time, but I was too exhausted to move. I am really sick and tired of not being able to sleep at night. I had to reschedule my endocrinologist appt for tomorrow. I hate missing that appt, but I can't miss my class tomorrow to go. Plus, i was supposed to go for bloodwork these past three months and I haven't gone. So what can he really tell me?
Somedays the depression really gets to me, and other days I don't even know it's there. I wonder why this is. I wonder if it will ever go away. Lucky is snoring at my feet, I love that dog so much. He makes everything in my life ok. too bad he couldn't help me organize the house too. Well I am going to try to find some tylenol pm or other sleeping device, and attempt to lay down for the night. It's 2 am and I will probably get to sleep around 4:30 or so. If I get up at 9, that will give me 4 hours of sleep or so.....

Lucky is getting so big

I picked him up today, and he is heavy!! My little boy is growing up! :( Time goes way too quickly, well for some things that is. For other things, it goes way too slowly. Today was another boring Saturday. I guess I could have looked in the classifieds for a job, but I do kinda like having my weekends off. I know that is selfish, but I look forward to them. Plus it's my time to clean the house, catch up and homework, and all the other things I SHOULD be doing.
So Bradley talked to him mom today, and the bitch had the nerve to tell him I never call him. Last I checked, the phone works both ways. Why does a 55 year old woman have to act like such a fucking child? If you have something to say to me, pick up the fucking phone and call me. Don't whine to your son who is in Iraq about his WIFE, you stupid, stupid bitch. I really hate that woman sometimes. ANYWAY
Sometimes I feel so exhausted. I am still not sleeping well, so I know that contributes to the fatigue, but I hate feeling this way. I don't really know what to write today. I am so blessed to have such an amazing animal in my life. Lucky makes me laugh every day, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning (literally, he wakes me up to go out, lol) he just makes me so happy. And Olive, well, he is just the best cat in the world too. He is such a sweetheart, he is truly my little boy. I have the most amazing, loving pets I could ever ask for.

I've always wanted to write a book

about my life. I have a lot to say, and I think others could possibly learn from my experiences. I would write a chapter about every man that had an impact on my life. I was thinking about this in my Crisis class today, and realized how much material I would have to write about, Things that need to be said, but never were. I don't expect to get answers from the book, maybe healing? I don't think some things ever succeed to have "closure" as much as we may want them to. But it feels good to just get stuff out. There is so much shit that no one knows about, things I remember sometimes that I had previously forgotten. I have written so much...I used to keep journals, I still have a few. I like to look back and read the things I wrote, mostly poems, letters, or short stories. It is hard to think about the pain I was in, but I know that every pain in life makes you stronger. i was making a list of "chapters" I would have in my book today, and I realized I never talked to anyone about Ryan. I am not scared to say his name, I think he is a total sleezebag. His name was Ryan Smith...........................
For some reason, I can't remember exactly when I met Ryan. I think it was sometime during my senior year, it must have been between Josh H. and Josh L. I was working at Brook's as a back waitress. Jenn and Abby worked there, which was nice. I really missed them. Working at Brook's was exhausting. It was non-stop, and I really didn't like it. Plus I just felt weird working around all these guys I didn't know. But, it was a job, so I stuck with it...and that's how I met Ryan....No wait, I met Ryan before I started working there. Why the fuck can't I remember this shit clearly? Why is my memory so bad sometimes?????? So I met Ryan before I started working at Brook's. Now I don't remember who I met him through, maybe Kim, Jenn or Abby? Ir must have been one of them. I remember seeing him and thinking he was cute. We all ended up hanging out one night, and that is how I got to know Ryan. We became a "couple," but for some reason, I just didn't really like him. There was something about him that I just didn't like, and I never wanted to hang out with him alone. I used to call Jenna when I knew Ryan was coming over, and ask her to call me in however many minutes, so I wouldn't be alone with him.....looking back now, I see how all that foreshadowing should have warned me, but it didn't. So, Ryan lived in Davenport, actually almost by Shannon....who we will save for another time....
I don't even remember much about hanging out with Ryan, we drank a lot, partied a lot, and he wore this black leather jacket that I hated. He was cute though, I will give him that. I was nice to him, but I knew I didn't want to have sex with him. And I wasn't scared to tell him that, lol. There was a song I used to play when I was in the car with him, and I used to sing it really loud, I don't remember the name of it now, but the lyrics went, "just because I aint a virgin, doesn't mean I'm having sex with ya," lol, now that I think about it, it's pretty funny. So, yea, I used to sing that to him, and he would just roll his eyes at me and get a little offended, but I guess I just didn't really care. So here is how it ended with me and Ryan...
We went to a party at Lindsay Millea's house one night. For some reason, I feel like I had already graduated high school, but I know that isn't possible. Anyway, we were all drinking, and the PLAN was to stay at Lindsay's and Ryan KNEW that. I did NOT want to end up going home with him. I had brought my stuff to sleep at Lindsay's and everything was set. Well...about 6 beers and a half a bottle of vodka later, things got a little blurry. I remember sitting on Ryan's lap, talking to all my old high school friends, and chugging this bottle of vodka like it was water. For some reason, everyone was cheering me on, including Ryan. I do remember looking at him and saying, "this doesn't mean you are getting anything tonight," and laughing. It was still pretty early, before 1am, when Ryan decided he wanted to leave. Now at this point, Ryan had quite a bit to drink also, and I was not about to get in a car with him. I remember Lindsay yelling at him and telling him that the plan was for us to stay at her house, and that we weren't allowed to go anywhere. I remember really not wanting to go anywhere with him, and being scared because I knew he had a lot to drink also. Somehow, we ended up in my car, I don't remember how...but the next thing I knew I opened my eyes and we were driving through town past the car wash, and past where the cops always sat to catch speeders. I prayed to God we would make it to my house and not get killed. I had no idea how Ryan was driving, but maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought he was. The next thing I remember is getting to my house, walking in my bedroom door and promptly completely knocking the dresser over and landing on top of it (lol.) I was laughing so hard, I couldn't get up. I remember Ryan picking me up and sitting me on the bed, and that is the very last thing I remember of the night. We woke up the next morning, and when I saw Ryan next to me, I was absolutely furious. We got into an argument. I wanted to know why we hadn't stayed at Lindsay's. And then I realized something and I HAD to ask.....I had to know if we had sex. his response was, "do you really not remember?" I said no. He said "um no, we didn't." And he was smiling. As I felt the need t to throw up, I reminded him that I told him many, many times that we would not be having sex. His response? "I can't believe you don't remember it." My response? Tears, and more tears, and telling him to get out of my house. Then I realized I had to drive him home because we only had my car. I drove him home, and he told me that he didn't think we should be together anymore because I didn't remember having sex with him. I couldn't fucking believe what was happening. For the next few days, I was upset. I felt like I had lost something to him, and he had won. After that, I became pissed. Really pissed.
So one night, Katy, Kathy and I...maybe Holly was there too, decided to drive by Ryan's house at 3am. We had been drinking, and went out and bought spray paint. Ryan had this wall in front of his house that was painted with some words and a flag. Well, Kathy and I decided it would be a great idea to write all over this wall with obscenities. We hopped out of the car, Katy pulled down the road, so she wouldn't call attention to us, and we started sprat painting the wall. We wrote things like "herpes, asshole," etc.... it was pretty funny at the time....until a fucking car pulled up, and Ryan jumped out of the passenger side. What fucking luck, right? So at first we tried to hide, then realized that wasn't going to work. Ryan came over to me, not seeing the wall at this point, and asked what we were doing. I told him I really needed to talk to him. At this point his dad came to the door and asked what was going on. I don't remember how, but Ryan managed to get him to go back inside. Ryan had just come home from the bars downtown, so thank God he was drunk himself, and didn't even notice the wall. I threw my arms around him and walked backwards, past the wall to the stirs that went to his front door, completely blocking what we had just done. He went inside and told us we had to leave.
2 days later I started working at Brook's. I was absolutely terrified that Ryan was going to have me arrested. He told everyone at work what I had done, but of course I didn't have the balls to tell everyone what HE had done to warrant my actions. I didn't last long at Brook's. I couldn't stand seeing his face everyday, and feeling the stares of people looking at me like I was a bitch.
I saw Ryan about 6 months after I left Brooks. He was in a girl's car pumping gas downtown. I didn't say anything to him, just looked at him, he saw me too, but neither of us said a word.
I don't think Ryan was a viscous person...he was a mistake, and maybe an asshole, but I don't think his whole plan was to get what he wanted and then leave, if that makes any sense. I think what happened was, he was scared. He realized that potentially, what he did could be constituted as rape. He got scared, and he ran. He didn't call the cops on us because he was scared of what I would tell them.
So, chalk it up as a learning experience. What else can you really call it? A chapter in my book? Maybe, if I ever write one.

So here's my answer

I have been wondering why everything tastes so NASTY since I had the tonsillectomy, and I finally found an answer from a health board that makes sense...

"With ENT surgery, you can often get derangements in taste, salivation and sweating. Your ninth cranial nerve (the glossopharyngeal nerve) is responsible for taste in the posterior third of your tongue. It is also responsible for innervating parts of the back of your throat. After an ENT surgery, this nerve may be disrupted somewhat, and this can cause problems with taste. You can also have something called Frye's syndrome (especially with salivary gland surgery) where, instead of salivating like one normally does, one sweats instead. This is due to the fact that the nerves left behind from the salivary gland reattach themselves to the sweat glands in the face."

Everything I read says 6-12 months and my taste should come back. I had the surgery around December 15th....so that would be...damn I still have a while to go. Has it really only been 5 weeks? God it feels longer than that.....I figured I had at LEAST 2 months down.... :(

I should be doing homework...

I just can't help it, I hate homework. So I am taking this Psych. class called Crisis Intervention, and it is really, really interesting. It explains a lot of shit about my life. For example, today we were talking about PTSD, and about how a survivor copes with it. One of the ways the brain copes with a traumatic experience, is by blocking it out of your memory until you are capable of the pain it will cause to remember the trauma. Well shit, I kind of knew that already, but now that I have actually seen it written as a fact, it makes more sense. Another thing I didn't realize is PTSD lasts forever. Any mental illness lasts forever. For some reason, I have always believed that at some point in your life, they just go away. But I guess that isn't true. What I learned today was that you may always have the illness, but you learn how to cope with it, and overcome the effects. But at any point in your life, it can reappear.
It reminded me of that meeting I had with the psychiatrist I had a few weeks ago. I told him I wanted to come off the anti-depressants. I mean, my God, I have been on them since my grandfather died at 11. I think the first person to put me on them should be shot, because I have never been able to come off of them. I don't feel like I really need them anymore. I really don't. I want to be able to "be ok" without the help of medication. So I told the psyc this. And his response was, "if you were on heart medication for a heart problem, do you think after 10 years or so you could just go off of it because you didn't want to be on it anymore?" Ok, no. "Well then what makes you think you can just come off anti-depressants any time you want to?" Well, because I don't think I need them anymore. "What has happened when you have tried to come off them in the past?" It has made m really sick because my body has gotten so used to being on them. "Ok then, so let me ask you again, what makes you think you can come off them at any time you want to?" I understand what you are saying, but I don't want to be on them the rest of my life. "Well, the thing is, with mental illness, you don't have that choice."
But what I want to know is, why the fuck do I have this "illness"? And who decides that it is an illness anyway? Now, because my body is so dependent on these pills, I can never come off of them? That makes no freaking sense to me. And who the F*** is some wild haired, smelly, middle aged man to tell me these things?
That's it for now, I have been sidetracked :)

My first post

They must be doing training over at Ft. McClellan. I have heard 3 helicopters pass overhead today, and that is not common for this area.
So anyway, this is my first post!! I decided to make a blog instead of using my myspace page, because I don't want everyone who is on my friend's list on myspace to be able to read my thoughts. I have a lot of thoughts, especially lately. I don't know why, maybe it is because Bradley is gone, but I have been thinking about so many things it is hard to concentrate on the things I need to be doing. I bought two closet organizers for my shoes yesterday. They were only $3 and they are the best damn $6 I have ever spent. They almost fit all of my shoes, and they are only supposed to hold 20 pairs. :) Today I went and got one for sweaters, it is just like the shoe one, and I am excited to hang it up. The organizers hang from the rod in the closet, and are pretty sturdy.
So, I am trying to find a condo for me and Bradley to stay at in May for a week, but I can't decide which one I want. There are too many options, but not ONE that has everything I want. I can't believe Bradley is coming home soon. I wonder if it will still feel like we are newlyweds. We were only together after the wedding for 3 months before he left for Iraq. We have missed every major "first" holiday together, and it sucks. It's not fair, and I am going to bitch about it all I want because I am sick of it. I am sick and tired of no one fucking understanding, and 99.9% of people not wanting to, or acting like they do understand. Especially teachers. I just wonder all the time how things are going to be when he gets home. I know the house won't be clean enough, and he will get mad as usual about little things, but hopefully we can get past that. I just hope Iraq hasn't turned him into TOO much of an asshole.
I read this article about Iraqi war veterans returning home and having babies with their wives. A study has been done about the high percentage of "Iraq war babies" being born with birth defects, or not even making it full term. This scares the shit out of me. I have also been talking with other army wives whose husbands have come home and are constantly sick. They think this is due to the inoculations all our soldiers have to go through before they get to Iraq, and while they are in Iraq. This is also part of the reason for babies being born premature, miscarrying, and being born with birth defects. Another reason found during the study was the level of radiation in Iraq that our soldiers are being exposed to due to all the bombings and such. If Bradley knew all these things I know about, he would flip. He would defiantly not want to have kids. He is not one of those people strong enough to deal with a child born with a disability. That may sound harsh to say, but it's the truth. Some people can hack it, others can't. I like to think I would be one of the people that could handle it. After everything I have been through in my life, I think I could handle anything.
Today I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, i just feel so worn. Maybe because Aunt Flo is here, but I don't think so. I just go through these weird periods.....for a few days I will feel like hiding from the world, so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed. And other days, I could just sing all day long, and play with Lucky, and go for walks and feel so good! I don't think I have manic depression. Depression, yes, but not manic depression because I think the mood swings would be much more sudden and major. Besides, what does it matter? I have been on medication forever to keep me sane, and I am not going to go on more. I went to see a psychiatrist last month to tell me why I can't sleep at night. I had to fill out this form and meet with this woman beforehand. She was a real sweetie, and I told her more than I have ever been able to admit to any therapist. She had to write everything down so the psychiatrist could "see what he was getting into." LOL. So when I did finally meet with this weirdo...he just looked at me and said, "Do you REALLY wonder why you can't sleep at night?" I just laughed and said "No, but I want to be able to sleep!!" 2 abusive relationships by the time I was 21, raped at 14, and all the other shit I have been though, and I guess it all has a part of why I can't sleep alone at night...who knew? ;) So anyway, the genius decided I wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless he upped my meds, and referred me to a counselor to "talk about my past." I said "ok," and promptly threw out the referral. He obviously had never been in my shoes. What I have come to realize is, those who have really been traumatized, can't talk about it that easily. You have people who can come out and tell the world, "I was raped," or "the man I loved was abusive to me," and I can't help but wonder if they are telling the truth. I know what I have been through, and I know it has NEVER been that easy for me. How long did it take for me to even be able to say, "I was raped." YEARS, it took YEARS. I still can't even say it, I can say "you know, that thing that happened when I was 14." I just can't say the words. And to talk about the abuse....that's another thing. I have told ONE therapist about the incidents...and my exact words were "Yea, I was with 2 guys that used to hit me, but I would hit them right back." I don't know WHY I said that.....I really don't. Why would I say that? Did I really every hit someone like they hit me? Could I even be capable of that? When Josh choked me, I couldn't move, I remember just staring at him and grabbing his hands around my throat. And for years after it happened, I couldn't remember it. My mom says my dad was abusive to all of us, I don't remember this, at all. I was exposed to my dad, even when my mom wasn't with him anymore, yet I just can't remember the abuse. I have been told that I blocked it out of my mind to protect myself...well, whatever, but I can't remember it. i was told once that my dad was sexually abusive to me when i was a little girl. Now that I really don't remember, At ALL. But what is weird is that, when I lost my virginity, I had the strangest feeling in the world...almost a deja vu, like I had been there before, but I knew I hadn't.
Anyway...the house needs to be cleaned, but I just don't have the energy. It seems like no matter what I do, I turn around and there is another mess. We just have so much stuff, and with Bradley shipping so much shit home from Iraq, there are boxes everywhere. I don't even know HOW many boxes I have donated, but it seems like there is always more that can go. I have donated boxes and boxes of clothes, kitchen stuff, just everything to the local shelter, but I know so much more really needs to go. I have a serious problem parting with some stuff, I think I am emotionally attached to things. I have gotten rid of most of my skinny clothes, sadly realizing that I may never be my normal size again. I have been of the birth control pills for almost 3 months now and sadly realizing that I do still have PCOS. I don't know why, but for some reason, I had convinced myself that the B.C. pills were CAUSING some of the symptoms of PCOS. But now that I am off them, and still have the symptoms, I think that is making me really depressed. It really disgusts me. I look at old pictures from high school, and I think, "why didn't I realize that I was beautiful?" I had so many people tell me, and I always "knew" they were lying. But looking back, i would give anything to look like that again. To not be so fat and disgusting, to be beautiful again.....Will I ever beat it? Will I ever overcome the PCOS? WILL I EVER BE NORMAL AGAIN?? I don't know, I really don't. I have been on the Metformin now for a while, months, and still have all the symptoms of PCOS plus the added benefit of high cholesterol, so how well is this shit really working? I wish I could see into the future, see if the PCOS will prevent me from having children, so I don't even bother trying, and crying when it never happens.
Well this has been a pretty depressing blog to start off with I guess. But I just can't help it.. This is how I am feeling today, and these are some of the things that have been going through my head. It is nice to know that not everyone on myspace can see this now. So many people to not understand, so many people to not care, so many people that just don't need to know....