My first post

They must be doing training over at Ft. McClellan. I have heard 3 helicopters pass overhead today, and that is not common for this area.
So anyway, this is my first post!! I decided to make a blog instead of using my myspace page, because I don't want everyone who is on my friend's list on myspace to be able to read my thoughts. I have a lot of thoughts, especially lately. I don't know why, maybe it is because Bradley is gone, but I have been thinking about so many things it is hard to concentrate on the things I need to be doing. I bought two closet organizers for my shoes yesterday. They were only $3 and they are the best damn $6 I have ever spent. They almost fit all of my shoes, and they are only supposed to hold 20 pairs. :) Today I went and got one for sweaters, it is just like the shoe one, and I am excited to hang it up. The organizers hang from the rod in the closet, and are pretty sturdy.
So, I am trying to find a condo for me and Bradley to stay at in May for a week, but I can't decide which one I want. There are too many options, but not ONE that has everything I want. I can't believe Bradley is coming home soon. I wonder if it will still feel like we are newlyweds. We were only together after the wedding for 3 months before he left for Iraq. We have missed every major "first" holiday together, and it sucks. It's not fair, and I am going to bitch about it all I want because I am sick of it. I am sick and tired of no one fucking understanding, and 99.9% of people not wanting to, or acting like they do understand. Especially teachers. I just wonder all the time how things are going to be when he gets home. I know the house won't be clean enough, and he will get mad as usual about little things, but hopefully we can get past that. I just hope Iraq hasn't turned him into TOO much of an asshole.
I read this article about Iraqi war veterans returning home and having babies with their wives. A study has been done about the high percentage of "Iraq war babies" being born with birth defects, or not even making it full term. This scares the shit out of me. I have also been talking with other army wives whose husbands have come home and are constantly sick. They think this is due to the inoculations all our soldiers have to go through before they get to Iraq, and while they are in Iraq. This is also part of the reason for babies being born premature, miscarrying, and being born with birth defects. Another reason found during the study was the level of radiation in Iraq that our soldiers are being exposed to due to all the bombings and such. If Bradley knew all these things I know about, he would flip. He would defiantly not want to have kids. He is not one of those people strong enough to deal with a child born with a disability. That may sound harsh to say, but it's the truth. Some people can hack it, others can't. I like to think I would be one of the people that could handle it. After everything I have been through in my life, I think I could handle anything.
Today I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, i just feel so worn. Maybe because Aunt Flo is here, but I don't think so. I just go through these weird periods.....for a few days I will feel like hiding from the world, so depressed I don't even want to get out of bed. And other days, I could just sing all day long, and play with Lucky, and go for walks and feel so good! I don't think I have manic depression. Depression, yes, but not manic depression because I think the mood swings would be much more sudden and major. Besides, what does it matter? I have been on medication forever to keep me sane, and I am not going to go on more. I went to see a psychiatrist last month to tell me why I can't sleep at night. I had to fill out this form and meet with this woman beforehand. She was a real sweetie, and I told her more than I have ever been able to admit to any therapist. She had to write everything down so the psychiatrist could "see what he was getting into." LOL. So when I did finally meet with this weirdo...he just looked at me and said, "Do you REALLY wonder why you can't sleep at night?" I just laughed and said "No, but I want to be able to sleep!!" 2 abusive relationships by the time I was 21, raped at 14, and all the other shit I have been though, and I guess it all has a part of why I can't sleep alone at night...who knew? ;) So anyway, the genius decided I wouldn't be able to sleep at night unless he upped my meds, and referred me to a counselor to "talk about my past." I said "ok," and promptly threw out the referral. He obviously had never been in my shoes. What I have come to realize is, those who have really been traumatized, can't talk about it that easily. You have people who can come out and tell the world, "I was raped," or "the man I loved was abusive to me," and I can't help but wonder if they are telling the truth. I know what I have been through, and I know it has NEVER been that easy for me. How long did it take for me to even be able to say, "I was raped." YEARS, it took YEARS. I still can't even say it, I can say "you know, that thing that happened when I was 14." I just can't say the words. And to talk about the abuse....that's another thing. I have told ONE therapist about the incidents...and my exact words were "Yea, I was with 2 guys that used to hit me, but I would hit them right back." I don't know WHY I said that.....I really don't. Why would I say that? Did I really every hit someone like they hit me? Could I even be capable of that? When Josh choked me, I couldn't move, I remember just staring at him and grabbing his hands around my throat. And for years after it happened, I couldn't remember it. My mom says my dad was abusive to all of us, I don't remember this, at all. I was exposed to my dad, even when my mom wasn't with him anymore, yet I just can't remember the abuse. I have been told that I blocked it out of my mind to protect myself...well, whatever, but I can't remember it. i was told once that my dad was sexually abusive to me when i was a little girl. Now that I really don't remember, At ALL. But what is weird is that, when I lost my virginity, I had the strangest feeling in the world...almost a deja vu, like I had been there before, but I knew I hadn't.
Anyway...the house needs to be cleaned, but I just don't have the energy. It seems like no matter what I do, I turn around and there is another mess. We just have so much stuff, and with Bradley shipping so much shit home from Iraq, there are boxes everywhere. I don't even know HOW many boxes I have donated, but it seems like there is always more that can go. I have donated boxes and boxes of clothes, kitchen stuff, just everything to the local shelter, but I know so much more really needs to go. I have a serious problem parting with some stuff, I think I am emotionally attached to things. I have gotten rid of most of my skinny clothes, sadly realizing that I may never be my normal size again. I have been of the birth control pills for almost 3 months now and sadly realizing that I do still have PCOS. I don't know why, but for some reason, I had convinced myself that the B.C. pills were CAUSING some of the symptoms of PCOS. But now that I am off them, and still have the symptoms, I think that is making me really depressed. It really disgusts me. I look at old pictures from high school, and I think, "why didn't I realize that I was beautiful?" I had so many people tell me, and I always "knew" they were lying. But looking back, i would give anything to look like that again. To not be so fat and disgusting, to be beautiful again.....Will I ever beat it? Will I ever overcome the PCOS? WILL I EVER BE NORMAL AGAIN?? I don't know, I really don't. I have been on the Metformin now for a while, months, and still have all the symptoms of PCOS plus the added benefit of high cholesterol, so how well is this shit really working? I wish I could see into the future, see if the PCOS will prevent me from having children, so I don't even bother trying, and crying when it never happens.
Well this has been a pretty depressing blog to start off with I guess. But I just can't help it.. This is how I am feeling today, and these are some of the things that have been going through my head. It is nice to know that not everyone on myspace can see this now. So many people to not understand, so many people to not care, so many people that just don't need to know....