I am pissed at my self

that I even put myself in that kind of situation. Honestly though, I haven't had that much to drink in a while, and I didn't think that little amount of alcohol would have that kind of effect on me. But I am pissed at him too. How can you call yourself a soldier, yet you hit on another soldier's wife? While you know he is in Iraq? What the hell is wrong with you? And do I really LOOK like an idiot?! I knew exactly what you wanted to do with those "15 minutes," and that is why I took off. I'm not a complete jackass, and just because my husband is deployed, does not mean I am willing to have sex with whoever approaches me! You have really upset me because I like being naive and thinking that all soldiers were good guys. Now you have burst that bubble for me. God I am so pissed at myself

Awwwwwwwww!!!

I have been trying to book a condo for a week vacation for when Bradley gets home. I finally found one that will work, and I have been communicating with the owner via email. Her husband has talked to me twice on the phone. I received an email from her today and the very end of the email said this...."You sound so young and in love with your lucky young husband that it makes me smile and remember old memories. I'm going to do everything possible to try to make sure y'all have a wonderful time together."
Is that not the sweetest thing in the world!! It brought tears to my eyes!! What a beautiful person!

Beautiful!

What a gorgeous day! It is beautiful outside, sunny with a little breeze. I just made a few egg whites for breakfast with a whole wheat wrap. I am about to take Lucky for a walk in a litte bit. yesterday when nwe were walking, I could have kept going for hours. I could have just walked forever, or so it seemed. The thing that sucks about living here is that people let their dogs run loose. I am always scared that they will attack Lucky. They have come close, but I have managed to scare them off.

Anway. I am so incredibly proud of myself. Last night...are you ready for this.....? I SLEPT WITH MY BEDROOM DOOR OPEN!!! That's right!! Lucky decided he wanted to sleep in the doorway and I figured, well, if he sleeps in the doorway, he can hear if someone is trying to break in better than if he is shut in my bedroom with the fan and humidifier going. This is a HUGE deal for me! I have been sleeping with my bedroom door shut and locked since Bradley left! I am so proud of myself that I am going to try to be really good today! No binging, no purging, I am really going to try my best!!!!!!!

Screwed up today

Met a friend for an egg and cheese biscuit (total calories = 3000?) Fought off eating anything else until around 5. Got these whole wheat wraps at the grocery store along with egg whites and turkey. Made 3 egg whites with one slice of cheese and out it in the wrap. Had that around 5. Not too happy about that. And then I started binging. Had a handful of peanuts, 2 starbursts, 6 saltines, an orange, a pear, and a piece of fudge the size of a quarter (total calories for that little piece =5000 calories?) I am so disappointed in myself. I don't even want to add up my calories for the day. If I hadn't had that biscuit this morning I wouldn't be feeling SO shitty, but that really put me over the edge. DAMMIT.
Took Lucky for a nice walk/jog when I got home today from classes. It felt really good to be outside, I look forward to our walks. It was warm today, about 70. Now I am freezing, it got really cold outside.
So what I am trying to figure out is this........the sugar in fruit, is that the same sugar that is in candy? Is it just as bad for you? In a way, I am happy because I feel like this little not eating, eating & getting rid trip I have been on the past few days, just might pass. But at the same time, I feel like I am letting myself down. People think it is so easy to lose weight. Not when you have PCOS. It was easy as hell to gain it, but I have fucking tried everything to lose it. I have a feeling when I see my endo doctor at the end of the month, he is going to up the Metformin. My sugar levels still feel out of whack. He would have a conniption is he knew what I was doing, but I CAN'T help it. He has me on this high protein, low carb diet for the PCOS, but when you grow up ITALIAN how the fuck are you supposed to not eat carbs? I just want to be healthy, have a healthy life like I did before this DAMN PCOS. It's not fair and I am going to whine about it because I HATE it.
I miss Bradley. I talked to him today and it was just good to hear his voice. He can be a real shithead sometimes, but at least he has always complimented my body. He really does. Not that I believe a word of it, but sometimes I think he may just mean it. And I will stop there before I get on my whole self doubting I am a cow trip. He loves me for me, and he thinks I am beautiful, I guess that should be enough for me, right?

It's been 7 months

since the guys left for Iraq. Feels like forever.
I feel like shit, can't fight this awful feeling in my stomach. Somehow in my twisted mind I think this will help me lose weight. Logically, I know this isn't true, but I can't make my body do things it doesn't want to do. Ever since the surgery nothing has tasted right anyway. Yuck. It is 2am, I gotta get up in 5 hours for class. I will never make it, but I have to. I didn't go on Tuesday either. I hate this feeling.....................................
I miss you baby, and I hope you never, ever see this journal, but I miss you and I wish you were here. I love you.

Why is this happening?

After all these years of being ok, it's going to come back now? When I am down and alone, it is rearing its ugly head again, and I am having trouble fighting it. It has been over 4 years since it has been a problem. Of course there have been single occurances here and there where it just happens. But this is going on day three now, and that is just not normal. Yesterday I actually added up my food intake and it came to 800 calories. That was coffee with creamer in the am, a salad with tons of veggies, and an orange. Can you believe that equals 800 calories? Craziness, absolute craziness. So then I tried to go to sleep and started getting really bad reflux so I ate a slice of frozen pizza. And I hated myself for it. That probably doubled my calorie intake for the day, and ruined everything, but I don't even know why I am doing this again to start with. I am not a teenager anymore, I am a woman, with control over my life. Or maybe I don't feel in control of my life, and that is why this is happening again?
Tornado warnings and watches are out again. I hate the weather here, I really do. Just one more thing I hate about Alabama. Will I ever get out of here? The sad answer is probably not if I stay with Bradley. He loves this state so much because he knows NOTHING else. He has no idea what is out there in the world and has no desire of leaving this God forsaken state of hell.
Blech, I feel like throwing up everything in my empty stomach, I hate this feeling. God dammit for letting this shit happen again. I don't need this in my life right now. I CAN get past this, I have done it before. No one to listed at the bathroom door anymore, I am on my own now, so I HAVE to take matters into my own hands. I have to get past it once again, and I cannot allow it to become an issue like it used to be.

I'd like to watch you sleep at night

to feel you breathe, by my side. And although sleep leaves me behind, there's nowhere I'd rather be...............