Will I ever be able to

talk about it? Why is it easy for me to write about, but I can't freaking talk about it? I just wanna know why this is. I realized that it has been 9 years. Nine years since it happened, and I still think about it. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be 100% ok? It is still hard to even write, "I was raped," but it's even more difficult to say. I want to know why this is. I know there is a feeling of shame, but WHY? Why should I feel ashamed about it? I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that, so why should I feel ashamed?
I used to see him and shake, I used to be scared of that piece of shit. If I were to see him now, I think I might punch him. I think if I were drunk enough, and I saw him at a bar, I just might call him out in front of everyone. Why? Because in so many ways, he ruined my life, and I would love to do something to ruin his. To let him know I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! Why did I ever let him see that I was scared of him? What would have happened if I turned him into the police? Nothing. I know for a fact nothing would have come out of it except more HELL for me. Who knows, he actually might have followed through with his threat and killed me. I might nit even be here today. I am stting here watching Lucky chew on his little shirt, and I am reminded that everything happens for a reason. If I had told the police on Eric, and he had indeed killed me, I would not be here to witness such beautiful innocence as my baby boy playing.
twisting and turning you're feeling the burning you're breaking the girl
think you're so clever but now you must sever you're breaking the girl
I miss you Dillon Bott. I miss you more than you will ever know. I think about you often, and I wish you were still around. Maybe if you were still alive I could have more closure with this bullshit. You were there, you KNOW what happened the only person who really knows besides me and the scumbag. Why did you have to do it Dillon? Why did you have to die? You know it was selfish to go, don't you? I wish I could have saved you, like you saved me. you saved my life Dillon, in more ways than one, and now you're gone. I wasn't given the opportunity to save your life like you saved mine. I didn't know life had gotten to be more than you could handle, and I miss you so much. I wonder if you ever save him again, after I moved. I am sure you did. I wonder what you thought, I wonder if you ever said anything else to him. I wish I had the chance to ask you, but I guess I never will now. I love you Dillon. I loved you then, I love you now, I will always love you. You stood up for me, you saved me like no one else did, and I will never be able to thank you for that........I really hope you are up there looking down on me, and you are proud of me. I hope I make you proud.....