Will I ever be able to

talk about it? Why is it easy for me to write about, but I can't freaking talk about it? I just wanna know why this is. I realized that it has been 9 years. Nine years since it happened, and I still think about it. Will it ever go away? Will I ever be 100% ok? It is still hard to even write, "I was raped," but it's even more difficult to say. I want to know why this is. I know there is a feeling of shame, but WHY? Why should I feel ashamed about it? I didn't do anything wrong, and I know that, so why should I feel ashamed?
I used to see him and shake, I used to be scared of that piece of shit. If I were to see him now, I think I might punch him. I think if I were drunk enough, and I saw him at a bar, I just might call him out in front of everyone. Why? Because in so many ways, he ruined my life, and I would love to do something to ruin his. To let him know I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! Why did I ever let him see that I was scared of him? What would have happened if I turned him into the police? Nothing. I know for a fact nothing would have come out of it except more HELL for me. Who knows, he actually might have followed through with his threat and killed me. I might nit even be here today. I am stting here watching Lucky chew on his little shirt, and I am reminded that everything happens for a reason. If I had told the police on Eric, and he had indeed killed me, I would not be here to witness such beautiful innocence as my baby boy playing.
twisting and turning you're feeling the burning you're breaking the girl
think you're so clever but now you must sever you're breaking the girl
I miss you Dillon Bott. I miss you more than you will ever know. I think about you often, and I wish you were still around. Maybe if you were still alive I could have more closure with this bullshit. You were there, you KNOW what happened the only person who really knows besides me and the scumbag. Why did you have to do it Dillon? Why did you have to die? You know it was selfish to go, don't you? I wish I could have saved you, like you saved me. you saved my life Dillon, in more ways than one, and now you're gone. I wasn't given the opportunity to save your life like you saved mine. I didn't know life had gotten to be more than you could handle, and I miss you so much. I wonder if you ever save him again, after I moved. I am sure you did. I wonder what you thought, I wonder if you ever said anything else to him. I wish I had the chance to ask you, but I guess I never will now. I love you Dillon. I loved you then, I love you now, I will always love you. You stood up for me, you saved me like no one else did, and I will never be able to thank you for that........I really hope you are up there looking down on me, and you are proud of me. I hope I make you proud.....

Just Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season" Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize, Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss "Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist, "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year." Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe.

Sometimes I really miss home

especially when people post pictures of others that I haven't seen in ages. God I haven't been to O town in forever. Sometimes when I look at pictures, it doesn't even look like home anymore. But I love seeing the pictures of everyone I once knew. Especially the ones of ex-boyfriends, Lol. I saw one of Josh, my God he looks EXACTLY the same. He was with his "wife," God it is weird to say that. She looked pissed, she was hanging onto his arm and I could imagine she was thinking she wanted to leave. Especially since there were girls there that he used to know. I bet she was pissed, hahahahahaha. There are so many people I would love to see again, but know that i never will. It makes me really sad, but I guess that is life. I would like to go back for a visit, but there are quite a few people I would never want to see again also. I can't help but miss that place, it's where I grew up. It's been almost 6 years since I have been home, that is a long ass time. And it is the only place I can really even call home. I can't call PA home, I only lived there for 3 years, even though we had the summer house there forever, we never went there that much. It's funny to think that my parents had two houses at one point, and now finances are so bad, they can't even afford the one they are in. But I can't think about that, it makes me even more depressed. I didn't go to classes today. I lied to everyone and told them I went, but I didn't. I slept. I got up on time, but I was too exhausted to move. I am really sick and tired of not being able to sleep at night. I had to reschedule my endocrinologist appt for tomorrow. I hate missing that appt, but I can't miss my class tomorrow to go. Plus, i was supposed to go for bloodwork these past three months and I haven't gone. So what can he really tell me?
Somedays the depression really gets to me, and other days I don't even know it's there. I wonder why this is. I wonder if it will ever go away. Lucky is snoring at my feet, I love that dog so much. He makes everything in my life ok. too bad he couldn't help me organize the house too. Well I am going to try to find some tylenol pm or other sleeping device, and attempt to lay down for the night. It's 2 am and I will probably get to sleep around 4:30 or so. If I get up at 9, that will give me 4 hours of sleep or so.....

Lucky is getting so big

I picked him up today, and he is heavy!! My little boy is growing up! :( Time goes way too quickly, well for some things that is. For other things, it goes way too slowly. Today was another boring Saturday. I guess I could have looked in the classifieds for a job, but I do kinda like having my weekends off. I know that is selfish, but I look forward to them. Plus it's my time to clean the house, catch up and homework, and all the other things I SHOULD be doing.
So Bradley talked to him mom today, and the bitch had the nerve to tell him I never call him. Last I checked, the phone works both ways. Why does a 55 year old woman have to act like such a fucking child? If you have something to say to me, pick up the fucking phone and call me. Don't whine to your son who is in Iraq about his WIFE, you stupid, stupid bitch. I really hate that woman sometimes. ANYWAY
Sometimes I feel so exhausted. I am still not sleeping well, so I know that contributes to the fatigue, but I hate feeling this way. I don't really know what to write today. I am so blessed to have such an amazing animal in my life. Lucky makes me laugh every day, he gives me a reason to get up in the morning (literally, he wakes me up to go out, lol) he just makes me so happy. And Olive, well, he is just the best cat in the world too. He is such a sweetheart, he is truly my little boy. I have the most amazing, loving pets I could ever ask for.

I've always wanted to write a book

about my life. I have a lot to say, and I think others could possibly learn from my experiences. I would write a chapter about every man that had an impact on my life. I was thinking about this in my Crisis class today, and realized how much material I would have to write about, Things that need to be said, but never were. I don't expect to get answers from the book, maybe healing? I don't think some things ever succeed to have "closure" as much as we may want them to. But it feels good to just get stuff out. There is so much shit that no one knows about, things I remember sometimes that I had previously forgotten. I have written so much...I used to keep journals, I still have a few. I like to look back and read the things I wrote, mostly poems, letters, or short stories. It is hard to think about the pain I was in, but I know that every pain in life makes you stronger. i was making a list of "chapters" I would have in my book today, and I realized I never talked to anyone about Ryan. I am not scared to say his name, I think he is a total sleezebag. His name was Ryan Smith...........................
For some reason, I can't remember exactly when I met Ryan. I think it was sometime during my senior year, it must have been between Josh H. and Josh L. I was working at Brook's as a back waitress. Jenn and Abby worked there, which was nice. I really missed them. Working at Brook's was exhausting. It was non-stop, and I really didn't like it. Plus I just felt weird working around all these guys I didn't know. But, it was a job, so I stuck with it...and that's how I met Ryan....No wait, I met Ryan before I started working there. Why the fuck can't I remember this shit clearly? Why is my memory so bad sometimes?????? So I met Ryan before I started working at Brook's. Now I don't remember who I met him through, maybe Kim, Jenn or Abby? Ir must have been one of them. I remember seeing him and thinking he was cute. We all ended up hanging out one night, and that is how I got to know Ryan. We became a "couple," but for some reason, I just didn't really like him. There was something about him that I just didn't like, and I never wanted to hang out with him alone. I used to call Jenna when I knew Ryan was coming over, and ask her to call me in however many minutes, so I wouldn't be alone with him.....looking back now, I see how all that foreshadowing should have warned me, but it didn't. So, Ryan lived in Davenport, actually almost by Shannon....who we will save for another time....
I don't even remember much about hanging out with Ryan, we drank a lot, partied a lot, and he wore this black leather jacket that I hated. He was cute though, I will give him that. I was nice to him, but I knew I didn't want to have sex with him. And I wasn't scared to tell him that, lol. There was a song I used to play when I was in the car with him, and I used to sing it really loud, I don't remember the name of it now, but the lyrics went, "just because I aint a virgin, doesn't mean I'm having sex with ya," lol, now that I think about it, it's pretty funny. So, yea, I used to sing that to him, and he would just roll his eyes at me and get a little offended, but I guess I just didn't really care. So here is how it ended with me and Ryan...
We went to a party at Lindsay Millea's house one night. For some reason, I feel like I had already graduated high school, but I know that isn't possible. Anyway, we were all drinking, and the PLAN was to stay at Lindsay's and Ryan KNEW that. I did NOT want to end up going home with him. I had brought my stuff to sleep at Lindsay's and everything was set. Well...about 6 beers and a half a bottle of vodka later, things got a little blurry. I remember sitting on Ryan's lap, talking to all my old high school friends, and chugging this bottle of vodka like it was water. For some reason, everyone was cheering me on, including Ryan. I do remember looking at him and saying, "this doesn't mean you are getting anything tonight," and laughing. It was still pretty early, before 1am, when Ryan decided he wanted to leave. Now at this point, Ryan had quite a bit to drink also, and I was not about to get in a car with him. I remember Lindsay yelling at him and telling him that the plan was for us to stay at her house, and that we weren't allowed to go anywhere. I remember really not wanting to go anywhere with him, and being scared because I knew he had a lot to drink also. Somehow, we ended up in my car, I don't remember how...but the next thing I knew I opened my eyes and we were driving through town past the car wash, and past where the cops always sat to catch speeders. I prayed to God we would make it to my house and not get killed. I had no idea how Ryan was driving, but maybe he wasn't as drunk as I thought he was. The next thing I remember is getting to my house, walking in my bedroom door and promptly completely knocking the dresser over and landing on top of it (lol.) I was laughing so hard, I couldn't get up. I remember Ryan picking me up and sitting me on the bed, and that is the very last thing I remember of the night. We woke up the next morning, and when I saw Ryan next to me, I was absolutely furious. We got into an argument. I wanted to know why we hadn't stayed at Lindsay's. And then I realized something and I HAD to ask.....I had to know if we had sex. his response was, "do you really not remember?" I said no. He said "um no, we didn't." And he was smiling. As I felt the need t to throw up, I reminded him that I told him many, many times that we would not be having sex. His response? "I can't believe you don't remember it." My response? Tears, and more tears, and telling him to get out of my house. Then I realized I had to drive him home because we only had my car. I drove him home, and he told me that he didn't think we should be together anymore because I didn't remember having sex with him. I couldn't fucking believe what was happening. For the next few days, I was upset. I felt like I had lost something to him, and he had won. After that, I became pissed. Really pissed.
So one night, Katy, Kathy and I...maybe Holly was there too, decided to drive by Ryan's house at 3am. We had been drinking, and went out and bought spray paint. Ryan had this wall in front of his house that was painted with some words and a flag. Well, Kathy and I decided it would be a great idea to write all over this wall with obscenities. We hopped out of the car, Katy pulled down the road, so she wouldn't call attention to us, and we started sprat painting the wall. We wrote things like "herpes, asshole," etc.... it was pretty funny at the time....until a fucking car pulled up, and Ryan jumped out of the passenger side. What fucking luck, right? So at first we tried to hide, then realized that wasn't going to work. Ryan came over to me, not seeing the wall at this point, and asked what we were doing. I told him I really needed to talk to him. At this point his dad came to the door and asked what was going on. I don't remember how, but Ryan managed to get him to go back inside. Ryan had just come home from the bars downtown, so thank God he was drunk himself, and didn't even notice the wall. I threw my arms around him and walked backwards, past the wall to the stirs that went to his front door, completely blocking what we had just done. He went inside and told us we had to leave.
2 days later I started working at Brook's. I was absolutely terrified that Ryan was going to have me arrested. He told everyone at work what I had done, but of course I didn't have the balls to tell everyone what HE had done to warrant my actions. I didn't last long at Brook's. I couldn't stand seeing his face everyday, and feeling the stares of people looking at me like I was a bitch.
I saw Ryan about 6 months after I left Brooks. He was in a girl's car pumping gas downtown. I didn't say anything to him, just looked at him, he saw me too, but neither of us said a word.
I don't think Ryan was a viscous person...he was a mistake, and maybe an asshole, but I don't think his whole plan was to get what he wanted and then leave, if that makes any sense. I think what happened was, he was scared. He realized that potentially, what he did could be constituted as rape. He got scared, and he ran. He didn't call the cops on us because he was scared of what I would tell them.
So, chalk it up as a learning experience. What else can you really call it? A chapter in my book? Maybe, if I ever write one.

So here's my answer

I have been wondering why everything tastes so NASTY since I had the tonsillectomy, and I finally found an answer from a health board that makes sense...

"With ENT surgery, you can often get derangements in taste, salivation and sweating. Your ninth cranial nerve (the glossopharyngeal nerve) is responsible for taste in the posterior third of your tongue. It is also responsible for innervating parts of the back of your throat. After an ENT surgery, this nerve may be disrupted somewhat, and this can cause problems with taste. You can also have something called Frye's syndrome (especially with salivary gland surgery) where, instead of salivating like one normally does, one sweats instead. This is due to the fact that the nerves left behind from the salivary gland reattach themselves to the sweat glands in the face."

Everything I read says 6-12 months and my taste should come back. I had the surgery around December 15th....so that would be...damn I still have a while to go. Has it really only been 5 weeks? God it feels longer than that.....I figured I had at LEAST 2 months down.... :(